Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
3pm strippers are depressing
I think a kid would responsible me up
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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