I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
