ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
