I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
