omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
