if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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