we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
