Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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