is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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