So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
