John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize