why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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