the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
