my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
