I wish I could teleport
...so i touched it.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
