I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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