He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
