So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
you never un-have a 4some
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
