every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Randomize
