im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize