I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
