Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
