I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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