While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
