I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
