So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
