yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
he laminated a picture of his dick.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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