She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
