I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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