I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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