I accidentally had phone sex last night
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
