Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
