also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize