I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
