Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
