i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
