I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Sorry my hands just texted you
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
