No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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