yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize