I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
birth control should be required to get into college
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
