did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
