woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize