You work out of a Hotel?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
