I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
