i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
