DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
