So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
