Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
