what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
