finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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