hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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