I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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