Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
