he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
