did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
