I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
