I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
