Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I enjoy the company of your penis
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize