I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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