i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
