actually, I'm a sock model
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
