Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
