I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
