I hate your face
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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