the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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