Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My breasts were aching with rage.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
